Karen's Pregnancy Page

Here is a summary of questions & comments I've gotten while pregnant (many of which have come from individuals who ordinarily show no interest in me whatsoever, but now feel they must be in the know). In the left column you'll find my polite responses; please accept these if you are one of the people who has asked a question or made a comment.
In the right column you'll find what I'm actually thinking. Blame it on hormones.
For the record, I know that many of the people who ask this stuff are well-meaning. So if you're among those people, never fear--you're in good company.
And, by the way, a lot of my annoyance is contextual. If you call and ask me obvious questions while I'm trying to sit and enjoy supper at the end of a long day, I'm going to be abrupt and snarly. If you talk to me in baby talk I, as a 25-year-old, will not know how to respond. If you interrupt an involved conversation with my mom to ask me my due date I'm going to want to slap you. So my unsolicited advice is "Think before you speak." --Karen

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How are you doing? Fine, thanks.	How are you doing? Fine, thanks.
How are you doing? Fine; how are you?	How are you doing? I just said fine; are you deaf? What do you expect me to say? If I were puking all the time, do you think I'd want to talk about it?
How are you feeling? Okay; how are you?	How are you feeling? I'm not SICK! I'm not DYING! I feel FINE!
How you holdin' up, sugar? Fine--how are you holding up?	How you holdin' up, sugar? I do not appreciate being treated as if I am afflicted with a curse. Please cease this nonsense immediately. Also, while we're discussing the fact that you should not feel sorry for me, I would like to point out that Bill has not done anything wrong by getting me pregnant. So no one has the right to treat him like he's been mean to me.
So, do you have any baby books yet? We have a lot of kids' books, but we don't have many little board books for babies. No, I mean, do you have any books about babies and pregnancy? I have the two the doctor gave me and another one.	So, do you have any baby books yet? We have a lot of kids' books, but we don't have many little board books for babies. No, I mean, do you have any books about babies and pregnancy? Not that I'm promoting ignorance, but I do assume that staff members at the hospital are competent enough to help us if there's stuff we don't know and need to know. Why are there entire books about breastfeeding? Didn't people manage to breastfeed for thousands & thousands of years without books to tell them how?
Do you know what it is? We think so. Is it a boy or a girl? Yes. Is it a secret? No. Is it a boy? Probably, according to our doctors.	Do you know what it is? We're hoping for a human, but you never know. We'll just have to wait & see.
Do you have a name picked out? Yes. Is it a secret? Yes.	Do you have a name picked out? Yes. Is it a secret? Yes.
Do you have any pregnancy symptoms? I'm a little breathless.	Do you have any pregnancy symptoms? No, we're still waiting to find out whether I'm pregnant or not, since I'm so thin and all.
I didn't know you were going to have a baby! Yup.	I didn't know you were going to have a baby! Well, I'm glad you thought I let myself gain a gazillion pounds this fast without being pregnant.
Looks like you're carrying the weight out in front. I guess.	Looks like you're carrying the weight out in front. Where in the heck did you expect me to carry it? My shoulderblades? My butt, perhaps?
Why doesn't it say on your front diary page that you're pregnant? How can you consider a new truck to be big news when you're pregnant? I have a front diary page?	Why doesn't it say on your front diary page that you're pregnant? How can you consider a new truck to be big news when you're pregnant? Okay, I'm sorry, but isn't the point of a diary that it's current? If I've been pregnant since May, do I really need to plaster it across October as news?
Are you excited? Yes.	Are you excited? No. I found my one true love, married him, tried for almost a year before I got pregnant with his baby, and all this is very unexciting to me. Ho hum.
Is Bill excited? So he says.	Is Bill excited? So he says.
Wow, you're really getting big! I guess.	Wow, you're really getting big! Thank you. I hope you continue to comment on the state of my body when I'm not pregnant. It doesn't make me self-conscious at all.
Wow, that baby is popping out all over the place. Look at the bay-bay! Hi, bay-bay! (etc.) If you don't want to take this box of frozen macaroni to the face, I suggest you stop.	Wow, that baby is popping out all over the place. Look at the bay-bay! Hi, bay-bay! (etc.) How is it that you have lived to see your college years?
Of course, Karen doesn't drink because she's pregnant. Right.	Of course, Karen doesn't drink because she's pregnant. Of course, Karen didn't drink alcoholic beverages before she was pregnant. Thanks for paying attention.
When's your next appointment, again? Soon.	When's your next appointment, again? Is that really your business? Is it even important to anyone but us? The point is that we've been having appointments and they've been going fine.
Did you have your appointment yet? I had one fairly recently, yes.	Did you have your appointment yet? I'm sorry, did I forget to report in to you? Here I've been going to the OB-GYN on a very regular basis for a couple years, and I'm still forgetting to check in with everybody when I get back. Bad Karen! Bad!
Have you had any appointments recently? We're having appointments very frequently now.	Have you had any appointments recently? No, I've decided to forgo prenatal care entirely. I'm a bad, bad man.
Do you have a theme? We have a lot of Simba stuff and a lot of duck stuff, but no defined theme.	Do you have a theme? Born free. . .as free as the wind blows. . .as free as the grass grows. . .la, la, la. . .
Do you really think you have enough diapers and clothes? Kids go through that stuff fast, you know. They can go through three outfits a day. I really think we have enough.	Do you really think you have enough diapers and clothes? Kids go through that stuff fast, you know. They can go through three outfits a day. Come on, the kid probably has fewer items of clothing in his closet than I have in mine, but I think he has more than Bill does. I figure our baby only needs to get about three total days of use out of any one outfit.
Did you know you'll be leaking milk, even at night, after the baby's born? Oh, really?	Did you know you'll be leaking milk, even at night, after the baby's born? You mean that's not supposed to happen till the baby's born? Dear Lord, something's wrong with me!
*You can't use insert item here* with a baby! Don't you know it's a sids hazard?** Thanks for letting me know.	*You can't use insert item here* with a baby! Don't you know it's a sids hazard?** Up till now I'd thought the cause of SIDS was unknown--I'm so glad I've found out that crib bumpers are the culprit. Whew, that was a close one.
What's your due date? February 8th. The last ultrasound actually showed February 4th, but they don't change the date once they've come up with it once.	What's your due date? This is so incredibly irrelevant! Next person who asks gets a nice Hawaiian Punch.
Nice shirt. It fits you and everything. Not too tight. Yeah, thanks.	Nice shirt. It fits you and everything. Not too tight. Gee, what are you hinting at here? It's so subtle that I can't quite grasp it. And by the way, thank you for implying that, due to my colossal size, it is not possible to find enough matching cloth to make a shirt for me.
Well, we all know why you're round./You should be a pumpkin for Halloween./You should be a knocked-up pirate for Halloween./We all know who's growing around here./etc. Thanks.	Well, we all know why you're round./You should be a pumpkin for Halloween./You should be a knocked-up pirate for Halloween./We all know who's growing around here./etc. Yes, you're in the know. You're aware that I'm pregnant. Congratulations. I bow before your mental prowess.
Are there current pictures of you? I want to see what you look like pregnant. No, there aren't.	Are there current pictures of you? I want to see what you look like pregnant. I look like me, pregnant, in need of a haircut, with acne. Yes, it's a beautiful sight. And cameras capture that pregnant glow so well, I'm the queen of photogenicness.
Why didn't you use one of your ultrasound pictures for a Christmas card? We're just too original.	Why didn't you use one of your ultrasound pictures for a Christmas card? Hm, can I think of a reason? Oh, how about one of these? --Maybe the baby doesn't want his naked picture to be mailed to 60 people. --The pictures aren't really that clear. How many people want to look at a black-and-white blur for very long? --It's not like I have negatives. I'd have to scan the pictures & print them, and they'd lose quality. --We are our own people. We love the baby, but he's not all there is to us.
Have some food, Karen! Ha, ha.	Have some food, Karen! Okay, the fact that you have taken a three-year-old girl's portion of food and plan to fill up on junk later (when no one's looking) does not entitle you to make fun of me for eating enough to feed the baby and me. It also does not mean you get to be rude.
How far along are you now? X weeks. Oh, only (39 - x) weeks to go then! How do you figure that? Full-term is 40 weeks. But 39 weeks is average. Oh, I'm known for being average. Well, 39 weeks is considered normal. I'll be sure to keep in mind the fact that I'm abnormal when I go into preterm labor. Not abnormal, just early. 38 weeks isn't even considered preterm. Nope.	How far along are you now? What a relief--a new version of the "when are you due?" question! Oh, only (39 - x) weeks to go then! Yes, because I'm counting down to 39 weeks. I'm sure that's exactly when I'll give birth. But 39 weeks is average. Hello--I have endometriosis and a bicornuate uterus. Average I'm not. Well, 39 weeks is considered normal. I'm not normal, but I'm very comforted by the fact that you're rating my abnormality. Not abnormal, just early. You just said 39 weeks was normal! Doesn't that indicate that a different amount of time might be abnormal? Nope. No one should ever spout this 39-weeks nonsense to anyone. At 39 weeks + 1 day, it really gets to be a sore point.
Are you counting the days yet? No.	Are you counting the days yet? Yes, I'm counting down to the arbitrary date I was given because it doesn't seem at all like a waste of my time.
How many days until your due date? I don't know.	How many days until your due date? Don't know; don't care. What difference does it make? What are the chances of my actually giving birth on that date?
I might not be able to make it right away when you have the baby. Is that okay? Yes.	I might not be able to make it right away when you have the baby. Is that okay? Absolutely not. As we get to know our new baby and count his little fingers and toes, adjusting to life as a new family, our thoughts are going to be only on you and how you have slighted us by not showing up.
Here's our wine list./Can I start you off with a beer? No, thank you. I'll have water.	Here's our wine list./Can I start you off with a beer? Are you absolutely insane? I'm 37 weeks pregnant! Do you live in a hole in the ground where you somehow missed the fact that pregnant women are not supposed to be drinking? Fine, it's probably not illegal for me to drink, but at least turn to my husband instead of to me when you say these things!
Don't slip on the ice. I'll try not to.	Don't slip on the ice. Dang, and I was going to intentionally go on an ice-romp which ended in my being blasted to smithereens, thus hurting the baby. (Side note: even Bill tells me to be careful on the ice, but then, he has learned about my current klutziness through such circumstances as the rubber cement incident.)
So, are you having any contractions yet? Just Braxton-Hicks.	So, are you having any contractions yet? Let me point out something that should be woefully obvious but apparently isn't: the activity or inactivity of my uterus is none of your business, unless you are my doctor/husband/baby/arguably mom.
Any news?/I thought you might be calling to say the baby's on the way./Did the doctor say when the baby will be born? No.	Any news?/I thought you might be calling to say the baby's on the way./Did the doctor say when the baby will be born? No! No! NO! STOP REMINDING ME THAT THE BABY HASN'T COME YET! I am fully aware that the baby has not come yet! And when he does come, I'm going to worry about having him, not about calling you or answering the phone when you call! Leave me ALONE! Did you ever pay this much attention to me before? Will you ever again? Stop, stop, stop! Is it impossible for me to call someone on the phone and talk to the person about what I intended to instead of about childbirth? Is it impossible for someone to call me and have some further conversational purpose than to ask whether I'm having a baby?
So, are you dilated at all? No.	So, are you dilated at all? If anything, my cervix is less of your business than my uterus. Please shut your mouth and/or go away. Oh, but I'm being rude. How's your cervix doing?
How's the bowling ball? How's the baking? How's it feel to have someone inside you kicking you? I'm a man, you know--I can't experience this. Fine.	How's the bowling ball? How's the baking? How's it feel to have someone inside you kicking you? I'm a man, you know--I can't experience this. The bowling ball? The baking? It feels like having someone inside me kicking me! This kind of talk is not cute, whatever you may think.
Have you been having any pains? Yeah, a few. Oh, I'm so sorry. It's not a big deal, but thanks. It'll pass.	Have you been having any pains? Please go away. . .please, please, please? Oh, I'm so sorry. I don't need your pity. Feel free to take it back. It'll pass. Really? You think? Are you, like, psychic and stuff?
Are you getting uncomfortable? A little, but I'm okay. At least you're not really big. When people get really big they're really uncomfortable.	Are you getting uncomfortable? I'll live through it. At least you're not really big. When people get really big they're really uncomfortable. Yes, you're right. A person who's 5'4" and weighs 190 lbs. is not at all gigantic. On the contrary, such a person is perfectly thin and normal. And the fact that, since getting pregnant, I've gone up 7 inches and two cup sizes in bras? Why, that's nothing!
Are you having weekly appointments yet? Yes.	Are you having weekly appointments yet? No. The baby is due, but the clinic didn't feel the need for frequent appointments.
You need to take maternity clothes to the hospital. Your old clothes won't fit--it will just disappoint you. I was planning on taking maternity clothes. And you'll need a bag with shampoo and pads and a toothbrush and everything. Yes, it's packed.	You need to take maternity clothes to the hospital. Your old clothes won't fit--it will just disappoint you. No way! I was hoping to wear a bikini home. And you'll need a bag with shampoo and pads and a toothbrush and everything. Wow, I hadn't thought of that. It's not like I've run through 12 different lists of what to take. Or like I've ever traveled.
Well, now you're starting to look pregnant. Uh-huh.	Well, now you're starting to look pregnant. I should hope so, at 39 1/2 weeks. . .but then, you've said that every time you've seen me for two months.