| How are you? How's the baby?
We're fine. |
How are you? How's the baby?
We're fine. |
| I really want to see you. Can I come over?
Actually, we've got a lot going on right now, so I don't really want visitors. |
I really want to see you. Can I come over?
You may not come over. I did not go through stress, fertility treatments, a full-term pregnancy, ~18 hours of labor and a C-section so that you could come to our house, eat our food, pester our cat, use my computer without my permission, poke at the baby, take trophy pictures with the baby, criticize the baby, pat the baby's butt, complain that the baby is boring you, disrupt our schedule, invade my privacy, hold the baby without supporting his head, prevent the baby from eating when he's hungry, make noise, leave messes for us to clean up, and/or sleep on our couch. It doesn't matter how much we like you. |
| I really want to see you. Want to go out and *insert activity here*?
Sorry, but I can't. |
I really want to see you. Want to go out and *insert activity here*?
No. No, I don't. With all the feedings and everything the baby needs, I can barely scrape together enough time to go to the bathroom, eat, and shower--not to mention sleep. So nice restaurants and the mall aren't really on my list of priorities. |
| *insert criticism of baby's name or appearance here*
. . . |
*insert criticism of baby's name or appearance here*
Our baby is perfect. He has an excellent name. You're welcome to leave. |
| Is there anything you need for the baby?
We do have a list. . . |
Is there anything you need for the baby?
Ah, here's a nice question. Well-meaning. Refreshing. But no, we have most of what we need for now. And we definitely do not need more blankets (I love blankets, and the ones we have are beautiful, and I'm thrilled with the work people have put into the handmade ones, but the baby has about 30 blankets of his own, and we're running out of space). Hey, how about a new roof to keep the baby dry? That would be useful. |
| Can I see pictures?
Maybe. |
Can I see pictures?
Maybe. |
| I just don't know who he looks like.
. . . |
I just don't know who he looks like.
I really don't know how to take that. Is it meant at face value, or is there some kind of underlying insinuation? |
| So who does he look like?
Himself. |
So who does he look like?
Himself. I have occasional glimpses of other people--he looked a bit like my brothers for a day or two early on; there's a picture of him where he looks kind of like Bill's dad; he seems to have Bill's feet and hands and my ears; once he was wide-eyed and pulled his mouth back into a pouty line and I remembered seeing that look on my grandma's face; sometimes he has expressions I know so well that I don't know if I've seen them on Bill or on me. But basically he is his own person, in appearance and all other aspects. |
| I'm sick, so I'll keep my distance from the baby.
Thanks. |
I'm sick, so I'll keep my distance from the baby.
If you are sick, you should not be anywhere near the baby! Please leave the room (and preferably the house as well) immediately. |
| He is tiny!
. . . |
He is tiny!
He's a pretty normal size for his age, I think. |
| Is it more fun to have him on your lap than in your stomach? Yes. |
Is it more fun to have him on your lap than in your stomach? Okay, first of all, he was never in my actual stomach. I didn't eat him. Second of all, I deliberately avoided looking at you in the hope that you would not talk to me. Take the hint. |
| Guess what. I've invited myself over! And I brought other people with me! The baby has to eat, so I'll be upstairs with him. |
Guess what. I've invited myself over! And I brought other people with me! We're supposed to be overjoyed? This is unacceptable! Here we're trying to set a schedule and take care of the baby's needs, and you show up to undermine that, forcing me to leave rooms in my own house to keep you from ogling my breasts! I love how people who rarely show interest in us and have never met our son suddenly think they have the God-given right to parade through here and hold a happy, burbling baby! Frankly, if he's happy and burbling we should be the ones to get to hold him, since we are the ones who change his diapers and feed him and stay up with him while he cries! Your suddenly deciding you can come visit us would not be okay if we hadn't just had a baby, and it's not okay now. Plus, to have more than one person (or maybe two people) visiting at a time overwhelms me. Why can't you just wait, let us figure out when we can handle having somebody over, and invite you? And what makes you think someone else hasn't invited him/herself over too? I don't need seven people staring at me, thinking I'm awful for hogging the baby/not letting them hold him, when I'm trying to give him nourishment! Perhaps you have given us an expensive gift or a homemade gift and think this buys you admission to a show. No such luck. We appreciate gifts & are using them, but this is not some kind of charity circus. Or perhaps you are a relative who considers this prepayment for some future organ donation, but we are ultimately hoping to keep our own organs for life. Maybe you just think you're such a ray of sunshine that showing up on our doorstep is your gift. I assure you that I find few people to be pleasant enough to warrant appreciation for this kind of gift. Argh, the nerve. Seriously, visitors have driven me to anticipatory stomachaches and post-visit tears. In the name of all that is beautiful, let me recover and get a handle on things! |
| Sorry *insert person's name here* couldn't make it to see you. No sweat. |
Sorry *insert person's name here* couldn't make it to see you. Sorry you could. Did I invite either of you? |
| He's so cute./He's getting so big./He looks so happy and healthy! Thanks. : ) |
He's so cute./He's getting so big./He looks so happy and healthy! He is cute, and I REALLY hope he's happy and healthy, but he isn't ALWAYS attentive and smiling. As for getting big--he's doing well now, but he's not setting records or anything. |
| Is Pez jealous? Not really. You know, there was this cat that went for a baby the first chance it got. Uh-huh. |
Is Pez jealous? Not really. She sees my occasional neglect as an opportunity to sneak into places where she's not supposed to be. You know, there was this cat that went for a baby the first chance it got. Went for a baby? What does that even mean? No, scratch that, I don't want to know. |
| I can hold him for you. No, thanks. |
I can hold him for you. Actually, I just told you THREE TIMES that he will wake up and cry if I pass him to someone else. I know you don't think I'm familiar with my son, but trust me on this one, okay? |
| Is there anything I can do to help? (asked when the baby is hungry & crying, not as a general offer) No, thanks. |
Is there anything I can do to help? (asked when the baby is hungry & crying, not as a general offer) Oh, yes, please help me breastfeed. It's definitely not something I should do without your supervision. |
| You only let me hold him 10 minutes. Why don't you let me hold him again? Well, he's a little fussy right now and I don't want to upset him. |
You only let me hold him 10 minutes. Why don't you let me hold him again? Oh, WAH! You think buying him a few presents entitles you to hold him whenever you want, regardless of what he wants? Give me a break. I have made a LOT more sacrifices for him than you have. Even if you think I'm just hogging him for fun, you should recognize the fact that it's sort of my prerogative to do so at this point. |
| Yes, So-and-So, you can hold him!/Here, So-and-So, I'll take a picture of you with him! . . . |
Yes, So-and-So, you can hold him!/Here, So-and-So, I'll take a picture of you with him! You are SO not within your rights here. You are neither his parent nor his owner. You do not get to loan him out. There were pictures of him with other people before there were pictures of him with us. And I'm selfish and greedy? |
| Breastfeeding in public places is acceptable. *hint, hint* Well, I'm not comfortable showing everyone my breasts. You can put a blanket over him. He doesn't like that. He doesn't even like wrestling with my clothes. |
Breastfeeding in public places is acceptable. *hint, hint* Well, I'm not comfortable showing everyone my breasts. You can put a blanket over him. He doesn't like that. He doesn't even like wrestling with my clothes. And I get hot. And it's awkward and difficult. And you can disapprove all you want, but they're MY breasts and I don't want you staring at them! In another place I might feel more comfortable. Heck, if people respected my privacy at all I might feel more comfortable. But we're talking about reality. |
| Is he settling into a schedule? Kind of. |
Is he settling into a schedule? Kind of. |
| He's so long! I guess. |
He's so long! Actually, I think the usual terminology for humans is "tall," regardless of whether the person involved is standing/sitting/lying down. |
| His eyes are so blue, yes they are! Yup. |
His eyes are so blue, yes they are! You're so observant, yes you are! |
| Oh, he's a big boy! He's catching up. |
Oh, he's a big boy! Okay, whatever. |
| You're talkin', arencha? Are you talkin'? Yeah, he does that. |
You're talkin', arencha? Are you talkin'? Hey, so are you! That's amazing! |
| Look at that hair! Yep. |
Look at that hair! It is wonderful hair, indeed. |
| Well, I guess maybe he's growing. He is. |
Well, I guess maybe he's growing. Just, like, four inches since you last saw him, is all. |
| His fingers are so long! *shrug* |
His fingers are so long! They look like normal fingers to me, but whatever. |
| Oh, look at his legs go! He's trying to talk to me! *crickets chirping* |
Oh, look at his legs go! He's trying to talk to me! Uh, maybe when you were a kid you weren't smart enough to figure out that talking did not have to involve your legs, but I'm pretty sure my son has that concept mastered. If he wanted to talk to you, he would, but apparently he wants to kick you. |
| Is he sleeping through the night yet? More or less. |
Is he sleeping through the night yet? More or less. |
| Are your eyes going to be blue? Are you going to be blond? Are you going to be tall? His eyes are blue. He is blond. He is tall. |
Are your eyes going to be blue? Are you going to be blond? Are you going to be tall? At what point does a kid stop being considered to be potentially something and actually become the something? |
| You're bald, just like your dad! He's not bald. He has tons of hair; it's just pale. |
You're bald, just like your dad! Rude much? |
| I'm going to take you and show you off. Hey, he just got out of the car and I haven't even checked his diaper yet! |
I'm going to take you and show you off. !!!! Excuse me?! I have met you six times and you are taking my child from me without asking? And let me take this opportunity to offer a little lecture: a baby is a person. Think about what you're doing. If you had just met an adult, would you seize the adult and take him/her over to a crowd of people, grabbing his/her feet and hands and making rude remarks like "Look at those stick-legs!"? No. The adult would tell you to back off and would also hopefully slap you. And I don't think anyone would blame him or her. |
| Whose ears are those? I just don't know what to make of his ears. I think they're his great-grandpa's ears, don't you? *insert sound of me trying to get a word in edgewise* |
Whose ears are those? I just don't know what to make of his ears. I think they're his great-grandpa's ears, don't you? Where do I start on this? 1. They're normal ears. They don't warrant that much conversation at this point. 2. They do not look utterly unlike my ears. Are my ears invisible? 3. If you know roughly 25% of a person's family, it is illogical to assume that you know where hereditary characteristics in the person came from. Why even bring it up? 4. If you don't know a baby's mom very well, you should keep quiet about a baby's features. Maybe the mom is unfaithful to her husband and the baby's sources of features are a sore spot. Although it is more polite to assume that she's faithful than to suggest that she's not. |
| Smile! Look at the camera! Come on, give me another smile! Hey, push his head up so I can get his face! No, he's fine. |
Smile! Look at the camera! Come on, give me another smile! Hey, push his head up so I can get his face! He doesn't have to smile if he doesn't feel like it, and there's certainly no reason to shove him into your chosen position. Taking his picture is a privilege. Be happy with what you can get. Did I mention that I hate trophy pictures? Taking a picture so you can look back fondly and say, "Yeah, you used to love chewing on your toes" is way different than taking a picture so you can show it to whoever and say, "Look, I got this cute kid to smile. Aren't I a superb photographer?" |
| Being a baby is so hard. You're stuck having all these people touching you and getting in your face and bothering you, aren't you? Yes you are! Yeah, poor kid. |
Being a baby is so hard. You're stuck having all these people touching you and getting in your face and bothering you, aren't you? Yes you are! And you are still doing it because. . .? Somehow saying you know it bothers him absolves you of your evil? |
| You're holding him too tightly! He's choking! I'm taking him. -----! And amazingly, he survived this long! |
You're holding him too tightly! He's choking! I'm taking him. Okay, he choked on his drool and coughed. He's fine. You, on the other hand, took him from his father (who was NOT holding him too tightly) without permission and now are cradling him at exactly the level of your breast. Gee, what problems could arise here? |
| (after we have said, "What's wrong, kiddo?") Nothing's wrong. He's just talking. You okay, kiddo? |
(after we have said, "What's wrong, kiddo?") Nothing's wrong. He's just talking. Guess what. We have known our baby longer than you have and actually know how his tone of voice changes when he's upset. Wow, we're magic! |
| I don't feel any teeth. Maybe they're not up that far yet. |
I don't feel any teeth. Oh, he must not have any then. And they certainly can't be hurting him if you can't feel them. |
| Are you walking/talking? No, you can't walk/talk yet. You're too little! He does very well, actually. |
Are you walking/talking? No, you can't walk/talk yet. You're too little! Never, ever tell my son he can't do something because he's too little. You are not the judge of what he can and can't do. |
| Bill, you don't seem like the dad type. . . . |
Bill, you don't seem like the dad type. What type does he seem like? The low-sperm-count type? The always-wears-a-condom type? The "honey, you're having an abortion" type? The runs-screaming-to-desert-his-family type? What the heck kind of comment is this? |
| So does he take a nap in the morning and one in the afternoon? Not usually. He gets plenty of sleep at night, so he only has an occasional nap, and it's not on a specific schedule. |
So does he take a nap in the morning and one in the afternoon? Not usually. He gets plenty of sleep at night, so he only has an occasional nap, and it's not on a specific schedule. |
| I know a baby who's two months younger than yours and the same size. *shrug* |
I know a baby who's two months younger than yours and the same size. I know someone who's two months younger than you and way less rude. (Seriously, what am I supposed to say to this? Am I supposed to express concern that my baby is freakishly small? Not likely, considering how tall his dad is. Plus, my son can do things most babies can't do till later--so obviously, he's doing okay.) |
| What's scaring you, sweetie? . . . |
What's scaring you, sweetie? Yes, he's been crying for the past 45 minutes because he's scared, not because he's teething. Brilliant deduction, Sherlock. |
| My brother/cousin/sister/etc. has kids, so I've been around them a lot and know all about them. Oh, really? |
My brother/cousin/sister/etc. has kids, so I've been around them a lot and know all about them. Yes, that's exactly the same thing as being a parent. Why didn't you tell me sooner so I could call at 3 AM and ask you for advice? |
| I love babies./I'd love to hold a baby. That's nice. |
I love babies./I'd love to hold a baby. Well! I've never met you before (or even now, since you haven't introduced yourself), but that's all the qualification you need! Please, take my child! I can't soapbox this enough: babies are PEOPLE. Not little unfeeling objects. And if I walked up to a Jaguar owner and said "I love cars" or "I'd love to drive a Jaguar," I would not expect that the owner would hand over the keys. Why should I pass around my son, who is way more precious than any car could ever be? |
| I see you're one of these brave young mothers who's using cloth diapers! Wow, those covers are way nicer than what we had 20 years ago! Uh-huh. |
I see you're one of these brave young mothers who's using cloth diapers! Wow, those covers are way nicer than what we had 20 years ago! Why are you hovering over my son and touching him while he's having his diaper changed? Do you like being accompanied by strangers into the bathroom? |
| Is he a good baby? Yeah. |
Is he a good baby? What makes a bad baby? Who would say, "No, my baby is awful"? Jeez. |
| Oh, he's getting hair now! Uh, yeah, he's had hair since he was born. |
Oh, he's getting hair now! Uh, yeah, he's had hair since he was born. |
| Is he sleeping through the night yet? Sometimes. |
Is he sleeping through the night yet? People should read up on this subject. It's normal for a baby to go through phases of sleeping through the night and not sleeping through the night. If he does sleep through the night for a while, it doesn't mean he'll continue to do so. This is not an adequate measure of a baby's development. |
| Is this your first? Yes. |
Is this your first? What, do I have "new mom" printed on my forehead? Why does everyone keep asking this? |
| You fillin' your pants? I don't think he is. |
You fillin' your pants? Not every sound of effort indicates a bowel movement. And, more to the point, what a rude thing to say! If an adult leaves for the bathroom, do you say, "Oh, gonna fill up the toilet?" Ugh. |
| Oh, he has a wet diaper? I wish I could just do that. It'd be so much easier. *stunned silence* |
Oh, he has a wet diaper? I wish I could just do that. It'd be so much easier. So you're saying you're TOO LAZY TO WALK TO THE BATHROOM. As far as scary things food delivery guys can say, this ranks right up there with "I helped build your house." Which is actually a thing another food delivery guy said to me. |